I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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