textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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