hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
