I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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