Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Randomize
