Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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