I have demons in me.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
