best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
