I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
