Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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