if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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