She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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