This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
