Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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