so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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