How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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