Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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