I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Naked. naked and bneed help.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
