I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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