Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
