but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
