Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
