Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
i've created a new STD.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
