Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
