you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
