Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
