I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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