don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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