the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
