you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
