She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
