you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
