his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
