Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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