Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
They have beer where we have blood.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
