I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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