nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
