chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
