24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
tequila makes me forget i have legs
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
