At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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