she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
