woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
