does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
