Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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