I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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