Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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