Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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