If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You left your underwear on the fireplace
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
