someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
