Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
