11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
