Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
