Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
We were destined to go to rehab together
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
